


You Have to Feel the Pain (When You Lose the Love You Gave Someone)

by snarkysweetness



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Death, Depression, Divorce, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Miscarriage, Parent Melinda May, Parent Phil Coulson, Past Character Death, Porn with Feelings, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6599908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarkysweetness/pseuds/snarkysweetness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye learns the hard way that love isn’t always enough. Grant realizes too late that the one thing he can’t live without is the thing he’s already lost. After their marriage falls apart Skye finally walks out, leaving him and S.H.I.E.L.D. behind, while Grant tries desperately to piece things back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Never Thought I’d Be (Lying Here Without You By My Side)

**Author's Note:**

> [evil smirk] I am finally ready to unleash the fic of doom upon you all…and yes…I’ve been sitting on this for five months because I thought it was _too_ evil. Enjoy.

“This is so fucking stupid,” Grant growled in frustration, struggling with his tie. Skye sat silently, on what used to be their bed, toying with her wedding ring. He caught a flash of sadness in her eyes through the mirror before she looked away and he ignored the way it made his chest ache. Instead he pulled his tie off angrily and threw it to the floor, wishing he could hit something.

He had so much pent up anger and frustration that he couldn’t even tie a fucking tie. And God-forbid he let any of it seep through, because if he did she’d get mad and then they’d start fighting and then the screaming would start and he was not in the fucking mood to engage in a war tonight.

He’d give anything to go back to the days when he wasn’t constantly walking on eggshells and their home was peaceful and his wife still loved him and was willing to touch him. Maybe if she did he wouldn’t be so fucking on edge. And at the very least she’d be able to help him with his fucking tie!

Grant ran his hands over his face and growled to himself before angrily reaching down to retrieve his tie. Before he could get to the stupid piece of fabric his tiny wife appeared, still unable to meet his eyes, tie in hand. She reached up and wrapped it around his collar and he held his breath, trying not to get his hopes up; he knew better than to hope at this point.

He watched her deft fingers tie the knot and once he was sure she wasn’t going to use it to strangle him he relaxed, watching in trepidation as she did her best not to touch him. He bit back a mean comment, knowing it would do more harm, and that was the last thing they needed, but he couldn’t help the sick feeling in his stomach. How had they come to this? They’d been so in love once, so unable to keep their hands off of one another they would have sex anywhere, even her father’s office, and the definition of having hearts in their eyes. Now they couldn’t even stand the sight of each other.

Grant desperately wanted to reach out and touch her cheek, to tell her he was sorry and that he still loved her, but he was a coward with too much pride and too much fear. And if he was being honest, he knew this was what he deserved. He’d been foolish to think they could ever be happy, not when he didn’t deserve her or this life. He was a bad man and no amount of atoning for his sins was enough; this was karma coming back to collect for the blood on his ledger.

Skye’s fingers brushed across his neck, sending a calm through his body. He knew it had to be an accident, she hadn’t let him touch her in well over a year, but it didn’t stop the fantasy that played through his head next. Him shoving her against the mirror and kissing her, her moaning his name, and him fucking her the way they both needed to be fucked.

After a moment of hesitation he almost followed through with it.

 _Almost_.

Because no matter how much he missed her, he knew better than to try. Their marriage had been over for a long time and he knew hate fucking would only make things worse. It would destroy her; and Grant still loved her too much to do that to her.

Grant stepped away, needing to break whatever it was that was going on between them. Being close to her left him breathless, even now, and he didn’t trust himself not to cross a line they could never come back from.

Skye met his eyes for the first time that evening and she looked so small and helpless as she stared up at him. The desire to kiss her and pull her into his arms filled him again and he had to look away.

“Grant?” She pleaded, pulling his attention back to her. “Just do this, for…” she stared back down at the floor, fighting tears. After a moment she met his eyes again. “It’s just one dinner and when it’s over you can go back to hating me,” she said quietly.

He wasn’t sure what did it; knowing he couldn’t comfort his wife or the reminder of how little she thought of him but he snapped. “It’s not just dinner! Putting on a show for your fucking parents means sleeping on the floor because you don’t want them to know we sleep in separate bedrooms. Unless you want to share the bed, sweetheart,” he spat, knowing she’d rather light herself on fire than risk winding up in his arms.

Skye channeled her mother, giving him a look that could kill a lesser man, and stood her ground. “Don’t worry, _sweetheart_ , behave and you can have your precious bed all to yourself.” She shoved past him angrily and he sighed, realizing how stupid this was.

“Skye, wait,” he reached for her but she pushed him away violently.

“Don’t,” she warned.

He put both hands up in defeat. “What is the point in all of this?” He asked honestly. “No one is expecting us to be fine after…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say it. “If you want to keep pretending our marriage is still real, fine, but we’re not fooling anyone with this act that we’re happy. We should just…”

“What? Tell everyone the truth? Get a divorce?”

Bile rose to his throat and he felt panic course through him. In all of their fights, no matter how ugly they got, neither had ever uttered the ‘D’ word. And to hear her say it now, in one of their tamer fights, so calmly…he knew they weren’t happy but he couldn’t bear the thought of actually ending things.

“Of course not,” he whispered, fighting the urge to reach for her again.

He didn’t know how to fix this but he was suddenly desperate to try.

“Then just do this, if not for me then for them. They’re worried, not just for me. They love you too. And ever since…” Skye looked away, not bothering to hide the tears anymore. He knew they needed to talk about it, but he wasn’t sure he could do this now, not like this, not when they were both angry. Skye wiped at her nose and glanced back at him, eyes red, face stoic. “I need them to think we’re okay so they can move on. They gave up so much to take care of me and I just want them to be happy again. I know your parents are horrible and maybe you can’t understand why this is important to me, but they’re everything to me. They’re all I have left. I love them and if us pretending to be happy eases their minds, then it’s worth us putting up with each other for a day. I know you hate me but it’s one dinner and one night sharing a room.” She sighed and hugged herself, averting her eyes again. “You can go back to hating me openly tomorrow,” she whispered, defeated.

He stared at her, dumbstruck. Where had she gotten this idea that he hated her? Yes, maybe he was crueler than he needed to be, but only because she’d pushed him away. And yes, he’d made a mistake, a terrible mistake, one he wished he could take back but he didn’t blame her for that. He hated himself for failing her, couldn’t she see that?

“Skye-”

“Please,” she pleaded, slowly meeting his eyes again. “I don’t want to fight anymore. We don’t even have to share the room, I’ll…” She went pale and hugged herself tighter. “I’ll sleep in the baby’s room if you want; just be nice during dinner. I promise, the next time I’ll make up an excuse for them not to stay so I don’t have to put you through pretending to love me.”

Her voice broke but this time it didn’t affect him. He couldn’t believe she’d gone there. To stoop so low as to bring their daughter into this…

Grant went for the door, knowing if he didn’t get out of this room…

He pulled the door open so hard it hit the wall, causing her to jump in fear.

“Do whatever the hell you want, Skye,” he said evenly, hands shaking. “But this is it; after tonight I’m not fucking faking it anymore,” he warned, sparing her a glance before he stormed off, because he hated himself. For a small moment, he regretted his outburst, because when he looked back he found Skye on the edge of their bed, clutching Ellie’s stuffed rabbit, sobbing into its neck.

A better man would have gone back and apologized. A better man would hold her and tell her he hadn’t meant it when he said he was done. A better man would tell her he still loved her more than anything and that they could find a way to make this work.

But the truth was he wasn’t a good man. He was petty and mean and stubborn. And the truth was, he’d meant it a little.

And he was also a coward. Admitting his faults, taking responsibility for his role in destroying their marriage, and confessing he still loved her was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. Because there was always the possibility that he would bare his soul to her and she would crush what was left of his heart by rejecting him. And after the past year, Grant knew he couldn’t survive her finally admitting she no longer loved him. It would kill him.

So instead, Grant took one final look at his crying wife, and not for the first time, he chose his own needs over doing the right thing and finally admitted to himself that maybe this was all his fault.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Clutching the rabbit to her chest, Skye cursed herself for breaking down in front of him. She was better than this. She’d gotten so good at pretending it was almost an art form. Good at pretending she was fine. Pretending he still loved her. Pretending she didn’t spend every waking moment wishing she too had died that day.

_Where she goes, death follows._

Skye wiped her eyes angrily, hating herself.

She’d always been the strong one in their relationship but even the strongest dams eventually broke. And the truth was, she’d come into this already shattered. The glue keeping her together wasn’t strong enough for this. _She_ wasn’t strong enough for this.

Skye hated showing weakness in front of him. Hated that she still loved him so much. Hated that she loved a man who had stopped loving her a long time ago.

Because the truth was, it _was_ her fault. She was a danger to the people who loved her. She was a dark cloud that brought death and destruction. She’d hated him so much once for the things he had done but she was the true monster.

Skye wiped at her eyes angrily, tossing the rabbit aside. She would not sit here feeling sorry for herself. She would not let her guard down like this again. She would not let him see her cry again. She couldn’t. She needed to suck it up. Her parents would be here soon and she desperately needed them to think they were fine. That _she_ was fine.

Skye didn’t want them to worry. They…they were the only reason she’d survived such a devastating loss. She didn’t want to be a burden on them anymore, especially not when it should have been Grant at her side. Grant taking care of her. Grant wiping away her tears. Grant holding her when the nightmares struck. Grant loving her enough to be her rock.

She’d needed him to be the strong one for once but the truth was, he was weak. She’d fallen in love with a man who desperately wanted to play hero but couldn’t handle the role when the time came.

And that sad part was she was the idiot girl who was still in love with him.

She wanted the man she’d married back. The one who had clawed his way back to her. The one who had always stood by her side. The one who loved her enough to burn the world to be with her.

But that wasn’t going to happen.

It was time to let go of her childish fantasies and accept that their love wasn’t strong enough to get them through this. His love for her hadn’t been strong enough for him to forgive her for the role she played in their family’s loss. And while she couldn’t blame him for hating her, she couldn’t forgive him for not loving her as much as she still loved him.

The doorbell rang and Skye quickly composed herself, putting on her best fake smile.

It was show time.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Skye spent the majority of their dinner poking at her pasta while politely nodding along to the conversation. To his credit, Grant played his role beautifully. To avoid any small talk, he kept the old man engaged by asking to hear all about the mission he’d embarked on with THE Captain America. She felt herself zoning out, not because she hated this farce, but because she’d heard this story so many times already. Her dad could go on for days about his man crush on Steve Rogers.

Just before Skye began to tune them out completely she felt her mother take her hand. She glanced up to find her giving Skye a sad smile and Skye had the overwhelming urge to burst into tears. Skye knew she was doing the right thing but it didn’t stop the yearning to just go home and let her mother take care of her. Skye missed being a little girl, when she was able to climb into her mother’s lap anytime something hurt and her mother would stroke her hair and make it all better. And since it seemed all she was able to do these days was hurt, she’d give anything to have someone fix it.

Skye gave her mother’s hand a squeeze and returned the smile, knowing this would have to be enough.

“What do you say, angel? Want to humor your old man and come home for a few days?”

Skye turned to her father and blinked in confusion. “What?”

“Why don’t you come and stay with your mother and I while Ward’s in Russia. Your grandmother will be visiting soon and you can see all of the renovations to the house. We even painted your old room.” Right, the house being painted was why they were staying here for the night.

Phil reached out and brushed a loose curl out of her eyes. “We rarely see you outside of work and I feel better knowing you’re close by when Ward’s on a mission.”

She gave him a smile, knowing he meant well. And honestly, going home was all she wanted. And if she had a timeline, she’d feel less guilty taking him up on it. Not to mention, it was better than being stuck in this house alone again because Grant had once again taken off on her.

“Why not? With Grant gone, I don’t see why-” Skye slowly turned to stare down her husband, her nostrils flaring. “I’m sorry, where are you going, exactly?”

Her father looked between them guiltily and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry, I thought you knew-”

“I asked you a question,” Skye snapped, ignoring her father. Grant stared at her with a shit-eating grin and she wished she had something heavy to throw at him. “Speak, Ward,” Skye ordered, not in the mood for his shit right now.

He shrugged and tossed his napkin on his plate. “Russia,” he answered, like it was nothing.

But oh, was it something.

“And when in the hell were you planning on telling me?”

“Just now.”

So, he wanted to fucking play this game?

Skye stood abruptly, grabbed him by the tie, and pulled him into the kitchen, shoving him against the counter. “You _just_ got back from China! You haven’t even been home a week! And do I need to remind you that you almost _died_?” She couldn’t fight the breaking in her voice. Why was he putting her through this again? Didn’t he know what she went through every time he took a mission overseas? How much she worried? How much she missed him?

“I’m sure you were extremely disappointed when I didn’t,” he replied coldly, sliding past her to grab a beer from the fridge.

The entire kitchen shook as she used her powers to slam the door closed before he could reach in. “Don’t you _dare_ speak to me like that, Grant Douglas. I am still your wife. This is still your home. You still have responsibilities. You don’t get to check out of this marriage whenever it’s convenient for you.”

He was always waiting and willing to take any mission they threw his way, as long as it involved being as far away from her as possible, of course, and she was fucking sick of it.

Grant approached her, backing her up against the wall while glowering down at her. “Don’t you dare pull that marriage crap on me, Skye. You’re the one who kicked me out of _our_ bedroom, remember? Because you can’t stand to be in the same room with me, let alone touch me. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Sit around here like a dog so you can kick me whenever you feel like it? I’d much rather die in a desert somewhere than stay in this house any longer than I have to.”

The room shook again. She didn’t care if her parents were in the next room, she wanted to claw his eyes out. “Maybe I just got sick and tired of always having to deal with everything on my own because God forbid you actually man up for once and be there when I need you. I’ve spent years keeping you together and handling everything on my own and the _one time_ I needed you to be the strong one you couldn’t handle the responsibility. You want to know why I can’t look at you? Why I don’t want you touch me? It’s because you make me sick. You’re weak and a coward and I hate myself for being stupid enough to believe that you were more than that.”

Skye shoved him away, unable to stomach being near him any longer.

She re-entered the dining room to find her parents standing, worry lining their features.

“Honey, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be.” Skye went for the liquor cabinet and grabbed the first bottle she found. She uncorked it and took a long swig as she headed to the backyard, her entire body still shaking.

“Baby girl-” Skye shot her mother a ‘don’t’ look before throwing herself into the nearest chair and taking another drink. She needed this; getting nice and drunk was long overdue.

Her dad moved to his knees and placed a gentle hand on hers. “But angel, what about-”

“He can handle things for once. If he gets to run away every chance he gets then I get to be irresponsible and drink,” she replied angrily, taking another. “Besides, he’s not so fucking useless than he can’t wash a dish,” she muttered, wondering if that was even true.

Skye wasn’t going to hold back anymore. She was done pretending. She was sick of it. And there was no use in continuing the lie; it was clear to everyone how much they hated each other.

Melinda took a seat next to Skye and wrapped her arms around her, pulling her into a bear hug. She stroked Skye’s hair, sending familiar feelings of warmth and love coursing through Skye, calming her. Within seconds the bottle fell to the floor as Skye buried her face into her mother’s chest and began sobbing.

“It hurts so much, mommy.”

Melinda kissed her temple and rocked her gently. “I know, baby. I know.”

Phil wrapped his arms around the pair and kissed the top of Skye’s head. “I’m pulling him from this mission. If I had known things were this bad I never would have authorized it. He doesn’t get to run out on you. And I’m giving you both time off; you need it to work things out in therapy.”

Skye fought back a sob. Her father was wonderful but the truth was, there was nothing to work out. Their marriage had been over for a long time, she just didn’t have the heart to admit it. “Daddy, you don’t have-”

“Of course I do. You’re my daughter; after everything you’ve been through I’m not going to just sit back and watch you suffer. Fix your marriage, baby, and when you’re both ready, the job will be there.”

Skye didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth so she just shook her head and nuzzled her mother’s neck, still crying.

The realization that they couldn’t go on living like this finally hit Skye full force. She knew it was time to walk away, so that they could both try to find some semblance of happiness, but she didn’t like it. She regretted their fight, wishing she could go back to pretending their marriage was fine, just for a few more hours, because in the morning she needed to end things, for both their sakes.

Maybe it would be best if she slept in the nursery; she wasn’t sure she trusted herself to share a bed with him, not tonight. All it would take was one accidental touch and she’d lose all of her resolve to do the right thing.

Skye closed her eyes and fought back a wave of nausea.

She was so fucked.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It must be nice to be just like your mother,” Grant muttered as he climbed into bed, thankful for its size. He didn’t want to risk accidentally getting too close to her; with the way her temper kept flaring he could very well wind up underneath a pile of broken plaster.

Skye sighed and didn’t even bother to open her eyes. “What now, Grant?” She asked, as if asking ‘haven’t we fought enough for one night?’

“I was just thinking it must be nice to not feel anything but anger; it would be a refreshing change.” He was baiting her, trying to initiate a fight. It had been so long since they’d been this close, maybe it would stir something in her.

Because he knew she wasn’t an unfeeling monster. He knew if she glanced over her shoulder right now he would see red, puffy eyes from a night of crying. He knew she felt _everything_.

But the problem was that she hid everything. Hid it from him. Hid it from her parents. From their friends. Skye tried so hard to be strong that she hid her pain from everyone. Grant knew he had failed her by not being there for her when she’d needed him and that was why she was pushing him away now, but some part of him thought that if he pushed her hard enough, maybe she would finally open up. And if she did that…maybe they had a chance at fixing this.

“Trust me, Grant; I feel everything. I just have to hide it from you because you’ve been too damn busy feeling sorry for yourself and failed to notice that every time I walk away from a fight it’s to hide so I can cry in peace.”

Now they were getting somewhere. He glanced over to find her still turned away from him, clutching her pillow.

“But, you’re partially right; I’m dead inside and have been for a long time. So I guess the pain could be worse. Thanks for reminding me once again that your suffering is worse and I’m the monster.”

No, no. This was not where he wanted this to go. “Skye, that’s not what I-”

“Goodnight, Grant.”

Grant ran both hands over his face and silently cursed his stupidity. Why did he feel the need to keep sabotaging things? Things were already bad enough without him trying to pick fights on purpose.

He sighed and glanced over at his sleeping wife. He watched her for a long moment, recalling all the nights he’d held her in his arms, counting her breaths, kissing her cute little nose every time it scrunched up as she dreamt, waking up to her mischievous grin demanding morning sex. He smiled sadly and touched the empty spot between them. He’d missed sharing a bed with her. Missed being close to her. Missed _her_.

“I love you, Skye,” he whispered, finally saying the words he should have been saying every day since she’d given up on him. He realized now he didn’t care if she rejected him; he was going to start fighting for her. If their marriage truly came to an end, he didn’t want it to be because he was too scared to win her back. He’d done it once, he could do it again. And his heart was already broken; what did he care if it broke some more?


	2. It Seems Unreal to Me (That the Life You Promised Was a Lie)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The marrieds have some overdue sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned! With pain! And in my defense, I did put off unleashing this on all of you for over a year and a half so remember that as much as you may hate me after this I’m still not as big of an asshole as the AoS writers so you’re welcome.

A whine filled the room and Grant inched closer to Skye, his fingers twitching, itching to reach over and brush her cheeks. Even if he’d had plans to sleep it wouldn’t have been possible; Skye had spent the better part of the past hour tossing and turning, tears staining her face. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her but if she woke…he was sure the last thing she wanted was for his face to be the first thing she saw after a nightmare.

Not to mention, he didn’t want to the first time he held her in over a year to be without her permission. And God, he didn’t want to fight. Not now. Not in the morning. Not ever. He was sick of fighting. And why would he want to force her awake when he could watch her sleep and have his breath taken away?

God, she was beautiful. Even in distress she was a sight to behold. She’d always been the most beautiful person in the world to him. And now? With the moonlight illuminating her features? He was reminded of what a fool he was.

Why had he wasted so much time being angry? He loved her. She was everything to him. They’d been through horrible things in the past, why had he allowed this to ruin them?

He never wanted to be apart from her again. He would spend the rest of his life making this up to her. He owed them both that much. He’d failed her so much in the past but he wouldn’t fail her again. He loved her too much for that.

Another whine escaped her and he slid his hand away from its spot between their bodies and lightly brushed her hand, trying to calm her. It seemed to work because she sighed and turned away from him, hugging her pillow. A moment later the even sound of her breathing filled the room.

He smiled and pulled the covers up around her shoulders protectively. He let his fingers linger, missing her touch. A piece of hair fell in her face and her adorable nose began to twitch. He fought back a smile and reached over and slowly brushed the hair away from her face, taking the time to toy with the strands. He’d missed running his hands through her curls.

He brushed the back of his hand across her cheek and Skye relaxed again, bringing a sad smile to his lips. “Don’t worry, Skye, I’m here. I’m never going anywhere again. I promise.”

Grant watched her for another moment before retreating back to his side of the bed, still unable to tear his eyes from her sleeping form. He didn’t need sleep, he needed to make up for lost time, and to figure out how to win her back. Words weren’t going to do anything, he needed to prove to her how sorry he was and how much he loved her and how hard he would fight to fix what he’d broken.

He wasn’t sure when he drifted off but somewhere between fighting his drooping eyelids and rehearsing a huge romantic speech in his head Grant fell asleep, his arm reaching out to pull Skye closer out of instinct. When she balled his shirt in her fist and buried her face in the crook of his neck his eyes shot open and panic filled his chest.

How had they gotten tangled up like this? What would she think if she woke up right now? How furious would she be? Would this be the fight that ended things for good?

Grant tried to roll Skye back over to her side but she began to shake, her sobs filling the room. Grant pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he whispered. “It’s just a dream.” Even if she hated him for this, he couldn’t just let her suffer on her own like this. How long had this been going on? Was this a nightly thing? Was this just because he was here? Was this why she’d banned him from their bed?

“Grant?” Skye whispered and he closed his eyes with a sigh. She didn’t sound mad, that was a good sign.

“Yes, baby, I’m here.”

“Grant, I’m sorry,” she cried, pressing her face against his chest.

“No, I’m sorry,” he began, pulling away to look down at her but to his disappointment she wasn’t looking up at him. No, she was still asleep. Asleep and crying.

Skye turned onto her side and curled up into a small ball, crying harder, his name spilling from her lips in agony.

Grant stared at her for a long moment, at a loss. He didn’t think anything could hurt this much, not after…how had he let things get this bad?

He wrapped his arms around her and held her, doing his best to calm her down by whispering in her ear. He stroked her face gently, wiping away her tears. “Wake up, Skye. It’s not real.” He could only imagine what her dreams were filled with; if they were anything like his… “ _Skye_ , wake up,” he insisted, wanting to get her out of that hell.

Skye’s hand reached for his and he took it, clutching it tightly. “That’s it baby, wake up.”

She furrowed her brow before blinking. Her eyes met his for a brief moment before her eyes fell shut again. She groaned and turned into his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. He rested a hand on the small of her back and drew circles in her palm with the other, trying to calm her. He could feel her racing pulse. Or maybe it was his?

Skye’s hands slowly slid up his back as she found her way to the crook of his neck again. Grant held his breath and now he knew for a fact it was his heart beating out of control. He took the risk of turning his head until it came into contact with hers. He brushed his lips across her forehead before replacing it with his own. Skye touched his cheeks with her fingertips before sighing.

“I love you,” Skye whispered, nuzzling her nose against his.

Tears filled his eyes and his heart began to clench with happiness. He knew she wasn’t fully awake and she could very well take it back at any moment but it didn’t change the fact that he knew she still loved him. He’d been afraid for nothing. They were going to work this out. They were going to be fine.

“I love you too.”

She opened her eyes and met his gaze for a long moment. “Skye,” he whispered, needing to the fill the silence. Grant reached up to link their fingers together, brushing his lips over the back of her hand, his eyes never leaving hers. “I-”

Skye pulled him into a kiss, taking Grant completely by surprise. He wasted no time in devouring her mouth with his, not caring how sloppy it was. He tangled his hands in her hair, pressing her into the mattress as they got out months’ worth of tension in one kiss.

Grant broke away long enough to get in one gulp of air before kissing her again, his body vibrating with emotion. He’d kept so much bottled up and he couldn’t control himself anymore. His hands touched every part of her they could reach as her nails raked over every inch of his back.

“Fuck, Skye,” he muttered, biting her lip as she wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed herself against his dick.  Was she trying to kill him? He was already ready to explode. He wouldn’t last more than thirty seconds at this rate. It had been too long; he _would_ blow it if she kept pawing at him like this.

Grant kissed his way down her neck slowly, reminding himself to breathe. They didn’t need to rush this. They couldn’t. He wanted to make this count and… _fuck_. Grant buried his face against her shoulder, suddenly terrified. They hadn’t done this in so long. It was like it was the first time all over again. But…now they were risking their marriage. What if they did this and she regretted it? What if her love for him couldn’t overcome how much she hated him? What if this made things worse?

Skye seemed to have the same fears because the bed began to hum with vibrations and when he slid a hand up her back they grew stronger. Grant kissed her cheek and pulled away, cupping her cheek gently as he met her eyes. “We don’t have to,” he whispered, happy to just be here with her.

She gnawed on her lower lip for a moment, not meeting his eyes. “I know,” she whispered, looking up and meeting his gaze. “But I want to,” she insisted, her voice cracking as she reached for the hem of his shirt.

“Skye,” he whispered, taking her hand. “I mean it-”

She balled his shirt in her hand and stared up at him defiantly, close to tears. “I _need_ you, Grant,” she hissed, her entire body shaking. “ _Please_.”

Grant Ward didn’t need to be told twice.

He kissed her again with just as much passion and need but with less urgency. He was going to do this right. And slow. If she wanted to change her mind he wanted her to have the opportunity to back out before it was too late. And well…he was fucking terrified. They hadn’t done this since before-

Grant held her closer and fought back tears. “I love you so much, Skye,” he whispered, hands shaking as he ran them up her bare sides.

Skye traced his abs with her fingertips and took short, calm breaths as he trailed his hands over her skin. “I love you too-Not there!” She panicked as he brushed over the scars on her pelvis.

Grant met her eyes and realized they were both crying. He shook his head and kissed her quickly before kneeling down and pressing his lips against her blemishes. Her fingers made their way into his hair and he kept his cheek against her abdomen, unable to fight the tears. He held her tight around the middle, remembering the day she’d almost died. He’d sworn then to never lose her.

“I fucked up, Skye,” he cried. This was all his fault. He knew that now.

Skye wrapped her arms around him and held him against her chest, her tears falling so hard they soaked his shirt. “We both did,” she whispered, her hands fluttering across her middle. Grant took her shaking hands and sat up, pulling her into his lap. He cradled her head and kissed her again, not wanting waste time on more tears.

“I love you,” he repeated, knowing he couldn’t say it enough to make up for all of the times he hadn’t said it. He wasn’t sure he could express how much he loved her but fuck it if he wasn’t going to do his best to try.

Grant couldn’t remember a time when the two of them undressing the other had been such a laborious task. It used to be they couldn’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough but this time was different. They were both so afraid of spooking the other. Or moving too fast. Or fucking their relationship up even further.

Grant had fucked up everything else in his life, he couldn’t fuck this up too.

He slid her panties past her ankle and let the fabric fall to the floor while he watched. Now that he finally had his wife naked he didn’t know where to start. His heart raced, pounding loudly in his ears. He reached a shaky hand between their bodies and pressed his lips to her temple, trying to control the anxiety racing through his veins.

“Are you sure?” He whispered, needing to hear her say it. He was close to falling apart and he wasn’t sure he could be trusted to stop if they crossed this line.

Skye pressed her lips to his and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer as she dug her fingertips into his skin. She kissed him until he had to break away from her lips, gasping for air. His head swam and he struggled to focus, still dizzy from her assault.

“Was that a ‘yes’?” He muttered, fuckstruck.

Skye smiled up at him, reminding him of the way she’d looked at him after their first kiss. How could she make him feel this way after all this time? After everything they’d done to each other?

“I love you,” he whispered, unable to keep it to himself. She ran her hand over his cheek and he turned his head to kiss her palm.

“I love you too,” she whispered with a smile. “And yes; I’m sure.”

“Thank God,” he muttered before kissing her quickly. He’d missed this so much. Missed her. Missed everything.

“Fuck, I love you,” he cried in between kisses as he pressed her into the mattress. He hadn’t felt this happy in so long. She was everything to him. Losing her had felt like dying and now he was reborn; and he had no plans to die again anytime soon.

Grant brushed his thumb over her clit and Skye dug her fingers into his shoulder, crying out his name. “There,” she moaned, already giving him orders. As if he could forget how she liked to be touched. Every inch of her body was burned into his memory. Her every desire filed away. It wasn’t long before she was falling apart at his touch. It had been so long since she’d whispered his name like this, with desire instead of disdain, that it brought tears to his eyes. He was so happy. He couldn’t believe he had her back, that she still loved him, that she was allowing him to be responsible for her orgasm.

“Come on sweetheart, stop fighting it. Let go,” he encouraged as he pressed his lips to the pulse point on her neck before biting down. Skye broke his skin as she clawed at him, cursing his name. He smirked against her skin and lapped at the mark he’d left with his tongue before dragging his teeth along her neck, feeling only a _little_ guilty that he’d left a bruise; after all, it was going to serve as a reminder of their lovemaking so he couldn’t feel too bad about it.

Besides, if the fluids coating his hand were any indication, Skye really didn’t mind.

“Relax,” Grant whispered, sensing her tension. He knew she was nervous; so was he. But he wasn’t going to let that stop him from enjoying this and he didn’t want her nerves to ruin this. “I’ll be here to catch you when you fall,” he promised, nuzzling her cheek and kissing it, then her neck, then her shoulder, before slowly kissing his way down her trembling body. Since his fingers weren’t doing the trick he was going to have to do the thing he’d missed most. The thing he hadn’t done in two years. The thing guaranteed to make her come every time.

Skye unraveled the moment his tongue parted her lips. He buried his face against her, savoring every drop. Her body went limp beneath his touch as he stroked her inner thigh, keeping her spread open for him.

“Fuck, I missed you,” he muttered as he drew his teeth along her clit.

“Grant, please,” she begged, gripping the sheets while tormenting her bottom lip. Grant spared her a quick glance and smirked when he saw the disheveled state she was in. Skye dug in toes into his ass as she arched her back, her fingers clawing at the covers. “Grant!” She whined, pressing her cunt closer to him, right on the edge.

He chuckled and pulled her closer, using both hands to spread her open fully before running his tongue slowly along her slit. “As you wish, sweetheart,” he replied, heeding to her continued pleas for release.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh… _God_!”

Skye trembled beneath him, the vibrations leaving her body and shaking the bed, the floor, even the walls. She wrapped both legs around his neck, holding him tightly while she wept in relief, her tiny earthquake crescendoing before she reached her climax.

The quaking suddenly stopped as Skye’s entire body went limp and she let out a small, happy sigh. She reached for him but he was already climbing up the length of her body, stopping at her heaving chest. Her breasts were even more perfect than he remembered and he wanted to pay them their due attention.

“Grant,” she whispered, wrapping both arms around him and pulling him up for a kiss.

Grant brushed his lips over hers and palmed at one boob, ignoring the aching in his cock. He wanted to be inside of her, badly, but _fuck_ those breasts.

Skye reached between their bodies and stroked him, eliciting a loud moan on his part.

“Not yet,” he muttered, lowering his head and taking a nipple between his teeth. Skye gasped and gripped his dick, using her thumb to tease the head. He hissed, knowing if she kept touching him he was going to come in her hand instead of in her; which is what he really wanted.

He swirled his tongue around her nipple and sucked lightly before pulling away with a small pout. “Later,” he promised, fully intending to spend the next week in this bed, fucking his wife in every way possible, until they couldn’t physically do it anymore.

Grant reached up and took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. Skye licked his lips and moaned at the taste of herself on his mouth as she wrapped herself around his body. He slid his fingers through her hair and smiled against her lips, a big part of him expecting to wake at any moment to find this was just a dream.

“I love you,” he moaned, biting her lip.

Skye hugged him around the neck and kissed him harder. He could taste salt on her lips and knew she was crying. He held her closer, ignoring his own tears.

He loved her so much there weren’t words to describe how much.

Not that is stropped him from crying like an idiot as he tried to tell her.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He whispered in between kissing her as hard as he could. Grant could do this all night. Just kissing her was enough.

Fuck, he loved her.

“I love you too,” Skye moaned against his lips, caressing his cheeks with her fingertips before grabbing his face with both hands and pulling him closer. “I love you so much,” she cried with a sniffle.

She was the cutest.

Grant smiled and pressed his lips to her nose quickly before nuzzling his own against it.

“We’re going to be okay, right?” He whispered, meeting her eyes.

Skye stared back at him and nodded after a moment before pulling him into another kiss.

He sighed in relief and held her closer, the remaining tension leaving his body. Now that he had confirmation that this wasn’t just a one-time thing...his remaining fears went out the window.

He could do this.

Grant trailed his lips along her jaw and lazily kissed the side of her mouth as he ran one hand down her body, the other making its way back into her curls. Despite his newfound courage his hand still shook as he positioned himself.

He glanced up one final time, his eyes begging for permission. Skye nodded in a way that caused every hair on his arm to stand on end.

“You’re really sure?”

“Grant, please,” she replied with an exasperated sigh, her annoyance showing.

He smiled. There she was. His girl.

Grant pressed his mouth to hers and kissed her slowly as he entered her. Skye’s breath hitched in the back of her throat as she clung to him, whimpering. “Fuck,” he cried, his body shaking. This… _fuck_.

“I missed you so much, Skye,” he wept, kissing her in rhythm with his thrusts.

Skye nodded, tears in her eyes. “Love you,” she managed to get out before attacking his mouth again.

Grant joined their hands together and held them over her head, kissing her slowly as he moved inside of her, whispering affirmations of love to her between kisses.

Taking his time was agonizing but so worth it.

She was worth it.

“I love you.”

Skye bit his lip, hard, and he gasped in arousal. “Skye,” he warned. She knew what that did to him.

She bit him again, slowly this time, drawing her teeth along his lip before releasing it. “I’m not going to break,” she said evenly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. “And while this is…” she smiled and met his eyes. “This is amazing but I really need you to fuck me already.”

Skye flipped him onto his back and shoved him down with a devilish smirk. She kissed him and raked her nails across his chest as she began to ride him hard enough to make him curse into her mouth.

Why was this woman so hell-bent on getting him to come prematurely?

Honestly.

Grant grabbed her by the waist and pinned her back to the mattress. He licked his fingers quickly and moved his hand between their bodies, desperate to get her off again before he collapsed on top of her. It was the least he could do after everything he’d put her through.

“Harder,” she ordered, clutching his shoulders. “Please,” she whined. “More.”

His ego bruised a little; he was pounding into her with as much force as he could muster and it didn’t seem to be enough.

Apparently he was out of practice.

He planned to remedy this by fucking her as many times as it took to get his groove back.

“Faster…there! Fuck, yes. Grant.”

Skye broke skin again but he didn’t care; she could scratch him up like a damn cat if she wanted, as long as it meant he was getting the job done.

She cried out his name loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood. He really hoped Coulson didn’t come bursting into the room right now because the last thing Grant wanted right now was for his father-in-law slash boss to see the stupid look on Grant’s face as he came inside of his precious baby girl.

Grant wasn’t keen on dying today, not when he finally had the love of his life back.

Afterward Grant pulled her on top of his chest and held her close, kissing her face as she relaxed against him. His fingers lazily stroked her hair while she rested her eyes and he couldn’t control the grin on his face or the feeling his heart might burst from his chest.

This is what he’d been missing for so long and he’d been a shell of a man since losing her. She completed him, she was everything to him, she was…Grant buried his lips in her hair with a smile and kissed the top of her head, holding her closer.

He was so stupidly in love with this woman, even after all this time, and he always would be.

She toyed with the hair on his chest, lulling him to sleep. Grant brushed his lips across her temple as he began to drift off, a smile still on his lips.

Skye pulled away from him, much to his disappointment. He blinked and sat up, confused. Skye avoided his gaze and his stomach fell as he realized what this was about; she regretted this. This is what he’d been afraid of.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, reaching for her again. Skye pulled away, looking small and afraid.

“I should go-”

“Skye, please, let’s talk about this.”

She met his eyes, close to tears. “I don’t want to wake up to someone who still hates me,” she whispered, voice cracking.

Grant pulled her against his chest hard and kissed her violently, leaving both their lips bruised. When he pulled away he stared down at her, fighting the urge to scream that he loved her until she believed him. “I love you. I’ll leave if you want me to but I don’t want you to go. I know this doesn’t fix anything but I can’t lose you, Skye. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you again. I love you.”

Skye’s eyes filled with tears and she nodded before reaching up to grab him by the back of the neck. She pulled him down and kissed him, wrapping her arms around him. Grant lay back down, holding her against his chest as he wrapped a blanket around their bodies. He held her close, kissing every inch of her face until she finally drifted off to sleep. Once he was sure the nightmares would not plague her once more, he joined her, keeping her in his arms while they slept.

When he woke again, it was still dark, and she was now curled at his side. He pulled her as close as he could and kissed her shoulder, still in awe of her. His wife was the most beautiful woman on the planet.

He smiled and kissed her neck, doing his best not to wake her.

She didn’t know it but he knew she didn’t sleep most nights. He’d wake sometimes to find her pacing inside of the nursery. And he’d listen in on her from the hall, watching from the shadows as she finally retreated to her bedroom.

He understood…sometimes…sometimes he could swear he heard the baby’s cries only to wake to silence.

Skye deserved a good night’s rest.

Grant brushed his fingers over the scar on her stomach and kissed her shoulder again, fighting back tears.

“I love you,” he whispered, knowing it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. But he had to try. This was worth fighting for.

Skye stirred in his arms and a moment later her eyes were staring back at him. She reached up to cup his cheek with a small smile. “It wasn’t a dream?”

He shook his head, brushing her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “No.”

Skye sighed happily and closed her eyes. “You’re not leaving?”

He pressed a kiss to the inside of her palm and shook his head, waiting until she opened her eyes again to answer. “I’m never leaving you again, Skye.”

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him. Skye shoved him onto his back and climbed on top of him, straddling his hips as she pinned him down. He kissed her back and let her take control this time. Not only did he want to enjoy the view but he’d be lying if he didn’t admit she’d worn him out earlier.

“Ready for round two, Mr. Ward?” She teased with a mischievous grin as she stared down at him, her fist wrapped around him.

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t _completely_ worn out. “For you, Mrs. Ward?” He smirked up at her, hard and eager for her to ride him. “Always.”

And it only took him two more tries to prove he hadn’t lost his groove at all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For the first time in, Skye wasn’t sure how long, she woke on her own. No baby screaming. No nightmares. No Grant storming around the house angrily. Just…her waking on her own, feeling…was this what being rested felt like? She smiled to herself and stretched out, disappointed when she didn’t hit her boulder of a husband doing so.

She glanced over to his side of the bed in surprise. It was disheveled but empty. Had she…Skye furrowed her brow and reached down to find the evidence of last night on her thighs. So, it hadn’t been a dream.

The room began to shake as Skye hugged her knees to her chest and began to fight back tears. She’d grown used to waking up alone. To finding his side of the bed cold. To the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and the emptiness in her chest.

Skye wiped at her eyes angrily.

She’d been ready to leave him. She’d chosen to walk away. She’d gotten used to being alone.

And she’d thrown it all away for what?

A few rounds of sex?

Admittedly great sex, but still.

Her chest ached and she buried her face in her knees and began to weep. She didn’t know it was possible for her heart to break any further but here she was, in complete agony.

Skye knew Grant loved her. She didn’t doubt him for a second. She knew he’d meant everything he said last night. He wanted to make this work. He was willing to do what it took to save their marriage but…the room shook violently and she threw the closet thing she could find before screaming.

She was so stupid. She’d let this happen. She’d told him ‘yes’. She’d let him believe they had a chance.

Skye had made everything so much worse.

Because it didn’t matter what he believed he wanted. It didn’t matter that she loved him or that he loved her. Nothing but the truth mattered and the truth was he still couldn’t face how he really felt and she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Until Grant came to terms with everything that had happened he couldn’t forgive her. And until he forgave her they couldn’t repair their marriage.

Skye couldn’t put in the work. She couldn’t get her hopes up. She couldn’t put everything back into this marriage only to have him turn around one day and unleash all of his pent up anger, leaving her destroyed again. She’d been through too much. She couldn’t keep doing this with him anymore.

He blamed her. She blamed herself. And she’d fought so hard to forgive herself but she couldn’t knowing he still couldn’t admit this was her fault, that he secretly hated her, that he couldn’t come to terms with the truth because he couldn’t forgive her.

She loved him too much to stay. The only way to fix this, the only way to give him the chance to really, truly forgive her so they could make this work, was to walk away. And knowing what she had to do didn’t stop her chest from feeling as though it was being torn in half.

Skye stood, her entire body tremoring, as she fought off a fresh wave of sobs.

“I’m so sorry, Grant,” she whispered, preparing herself for the battle they were about to engage in.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He felt like he was on air. Like he was flying. Grant was happier than he’d been in years. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled like this. The day Skye told him she was pregnant, maybe. Or the day he first felt their daughter kick. He pushed those memories to the back of his mind, not wanting anything to distract him from how he felt right now.

Skye loved him. She’d forgiven him. They were going to make this marriage work.

Maybe…

He glanced down into his coffee cup and fought a smile, trying not to get his hopes up.

Maybe they could even try to get pregnant again, if she was okay with it.

He knew he was ready but Skye…

“Long night?”

Grant looked up to find his haggard in-laws glaring at him. Well, Coulson not so much but May? She looked ready to kill him as she poured her coffee. Coulson was exhausted but…proud?

At least someone was on his team.

He sheepishly reached for a second cup and slipped past them, hiding a smile. “Climate change, right?” He replied with a shrug. “Can’t predict when those earthquakes will happen.” He could feel May glaring a hole into the back of his head but it didn’t color his mood; he’d made love to his wife four times last night and nothing could ruin his happiness.

Not today.

Or at least…that was what he’d stupidly allowed himself to believe.

Grant walked into their bedroom to find Skye angrily stripping the sheets off their bed. He stood in confusion until he saw her flushed cheeks and red eyes. She’d been crying.

Oh no…did she think-

“Sweetheart? Hey, I don’t know what you thought when you woke up but I just went to make us coffee. Look? See.” He held them up and approached her cautiously, setting the mugs down on the nightstand. She threw the wadded up sheets to the floor and went for the rest, her body shaking.

Grant knew this was going to take work and time. He hadn’t expected everything to just be okay this morning. They needed to have an overdue talk, get everything out in the open; maybe even see a therapist. And maybe him moving back into their bed would need to be a process. He was willing to wait as long as she needed to trust him again.

“Hey,” he whispered, coming up at her from behind and wrapping his arms around her slowly. “I’m right here, baby. I’m not leaving you, okay? I love you. I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”

Skye shoved his arms away and rounded on him angrily. “You might as well leave! We both know it’s what you really want.”

What the fuck had he just walked into?

“Skye, I don’t know what’s wrong but I told you-”

“Oh fuck off!” Skye laughed bitterly and reached into the closet for his duffle bag and threw it against his chest violently. “I am so sick of pretending we don’t both know the truth.”

“Skye, we can talk about this.”

“About what? Come on, Grant, say it.”

No, he…panic filled his chest and he could feel an attack coming. She…he…they needed to talk about it but he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t do this.

Skye stared back at him, tears in her eyes. “That’s what I thought. You say you want to fix this and you’re ready for us to work on our marriage but you still can’t say what happened out loud. I can’t do this anymore, Grant. I can’t avoid it. I can’t pretend I don’t know that you don’t hate me.”

“I don’t!” Grant insisted, taking her by the arms and staring down at her desperately. “Skye, please. I love you. And we can fix this.”

“How? How can we fix anything when you still can’t admit what’s wrong with our marriage?”

He closed his eyes and fought off tears. “Skye, don’t do this…”

“You blame me for her death! And you should! It’s my fault,” Skye whispered through a choked sob. He opened his eyes to find her close to breaking down. “I know it’s my fault and I know you have every right to hate me but you need to forgive me. You need to forgive me.” She pleaded, her entire body shaking.

Grant pulled her into a hug. “I don’t hate you…” he whispered lamely and she shoved him away, backing away from him, crying harder.

“You can’t even admit it! How can you say you want to fix us when you can’t even admit what’s broken!”

“I don’t blame you,” he lied. Well, not really. She was right, he still couldn’t…come to terms…why was she doing this to him?

Skye covered her mouth and sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore, Grant. I can’t keep fighting and putting up with the way you treat me.”

“That way I-” _Now_ he was fucking angry. “You can’t even look at me! You kicked me out, Skye! You’re the one who hates _me_.”

“Because you’re cruel!” She screamed, getting in his face. “You refuse to accept what happened and instead of talking it out you pick these fake fights to avoid our real issues and you’re so _mean_ ,” she whispered, crying. “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t pretend we’re going to be fine because you woke up and decided you love me enough to _try_. You’re not actually willing to try. You can’t even acknowledge the way you’ve treated me over the past year…that I had every right to push you away.”

“You had no right!” He yelled. “So what if I was a little cruel, so were you!”

“Only because I couldn’t take it anymore! I was in pain too! I needed you and you weren’t there! And I tried so hard to be strong for you and to heal and all you did was make it worse with the way you treated me. I couldn’t take it anymore!”

“I’m allowed to be angry and mean, Skye!”

“Say it, Ward.”

“ _No_.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Goddammit,” he yelled, throwing the duffle bag down. “What do you want me to say? That I’m angry. Yeah, I’m pissed. That I’m weak for putting myself first? That I should have stood by you? Yeah, Skye, I know. I’m an asshole. But you don’t get to blame me for everything.”

Skye stared back at him angrily, triggering a break in what was left in his resolve. “This is all your fault,” he hissed, not caring how cruel he was being. She wasn’t innocent in this. She’d hurt him so many times. She was hurting him now. She’d thrown him away because she’d given up on them. Of course a part of him hated her for the role she played in destroying their marriage.

“I don’t blame you; I blame myself.”

“Yeah, well, you should!”

Her lower lip quivered and it didn’t affect him. “I do because this has gone on way too long. I should have stayed with my parents and moved out a year ago. You couldn’t even take care of me when I needed you the most. That isn’t how you treat your wife. That isn’t what you do in a marriage. I should have left you a long time ago but I was too stupid to do it. I love you too much. I thought if I gave you time we could work through this but it’s been a year and nothing has changed. It’s only gotten worse.”

She was…

 _She_ was leaving _him_?

“I’m sorry, Grant, but I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered, heading for the door.

“No, you don’t get to walk out on me, not after what you did.”

Skye stared back at him sadly and shook her head. “Goodbye, Grant.”

“Don’t you dare, Skye,” he called desperately. He couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not after everything else he’d lost. “Please, stay.”

Skye stood with her hand on the knob, her shoulder shaking. “Just…say it. Admit what I did out loud and I’ll stay. If you can finally acknowledge what happened and forgive me-”

He scoffed.

Forgive her?

“I told you I want to make this work, Skye. I don’t know why you think that means-”

“Say it and I’ll stay.” She whispered quietly, her voice breaking.

“What do you want me to say, huh? That I’m angry? That I blame you? That every time I look at you I see her face and it breaks my heart? Okay, fine! I forgive you! I love you! Just…don’t go.”

Skye turned and he watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. “Goodbye,” she whispered, opening the door.

“YOU KILLED OUR BABY!” He screamed, stopping her in her tracks. The moment the words left his mouth he regretted them. And he knew he meant them. He finally understood everything.

“Skye…I…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” But he had. He blamed her. He…it hadn’t even… “I didn’t know.”

She turned to him, her face red and wet, her body quivering. “I know you didn’t…that’s why I need to leave. You need time to forgive me.”

Grant went after her and pulled her into his arms. “No, please,” he pleaded, cupping her face in his hands. “It’s not your fault. It’s _not_ your fault. You didn’t know…you…your powers…it’s _not your fault_.” It wasn’t her fault. Yes, he blamed her. Yes, he’d tried to deny it. Yes, he’d been cruel and neglectful and self-pitying but…he didn’t hate her. He loved her. He wanted to fix this. He… “I forgive you. Please, Skye, forgive me.”

Skye shook her head and pulled away. “No, you need time.”

He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around her middle, crying. He fought the panic in his chest and held onto her for dear life.

“I love you, Skye. You’re my soulmate, I can’t lose you too. Please, Skye,” he wept, his entire body shaking. Ellie’s little face flashed through his mind and he cried harder. It wasn’t Skye’s fault. It was no one’s fault. He…he’d fucked up. He knew he’d fucked up. They could fix this. They had to fix this.

“Please don’t leave me, Skye.”

Skye choked back a sob before shoving him away.

“I need…I need time,” she whispered, backing away from him, running into her mom. Skye threw herself into her arms, sobbing and let her lead her away.

Grant scrambled to his feet and chased after her but Coulson stood, blocking his way. “I need to go after her. Don’t let her go. Please, Phil! Help me. Talk to her…Make her talk to me. I can’t lose her.”

Phil stared at him sadly and pulled him into a hug, clapping his back. “You already have,” he whispered sadly, pulling away. Grant stood in disbelief and watched as Phil walked away from him, leaving him completely alone.

No, this wasn’t how this ended.

Grant rushed down the hall but it was too late; she was gone.

He ran a hand through his hair and stood, shaking, trying to figure out his next move.

He’d…his stupid mouth…Grant thought back to the last year. He’d tried to be there for Skye, like he had the last time but…he’d been unable to look at her. He’d blamed his own self-pity but Skye was right, he blamed her. And he had been mean and selfish. They’d lost a child but he’d only cared about his pain.

Grant absently walked into the nursery they’d never gotten to use and fell to the floor, defeated. He reached for that damn rabbit Skye had insisted on keeping and clutched it to his chest, letting the panic attack he’d been fighting take hold.

She had every reason to hate him and to walk out.

A loud wail left him as he began to sob, the realization that he’d lost the only two people he’d ever loved hitting him full force.

And he had no one to blame but himself.


	3. Without You (I’m Not Okay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re still reading this story that means you probably don’t need this warning but just in case: here be flashbacks. They are painful. I tried not to make them too graphic but writing this from experience I know that a. it will hurt to read and b. it may trigger some people so proceed with caution. I don’t want anyone who might find the flashbacks triggering to be triggered by them.

Skye stared up at the twinkling, pink ceiling, both hands on her middle, counting her breaths. Were she in a better mood she might find the redecorating of her childhood room amusing. A new shade of pink. A bigger bed. The redoing of the constellations on her ceiling. The rocking chair filled with her old stuffed animals. As if he parents had known she’d need to move home but didn’t want to let go of her childhood either.

But she wasn’t in a good mood. And this wasn’t cute or nostalgic; it was just sad.

Because here she was at thirty-three, living at home, marriage over, and unable to get out of bed because she didn’t want to and because she was too weak from all of the crying.

_Skye lay curled into a ball on her side, fist pressed to her mouth as she sobbed quietly. She should have told him. Forgiven him. Been more understanding. If she had, maybe…Skye hiccupped loudly as more tears came rushing out. If she hadn’t been so angry with him maybe she wouldn’t be here. Sad. Empty. Alone._

_She didn’t even know how she could be this distraught over something she’d never really had but she’d never felt pain like this and the truth was she’d loved him…she_ still _loved him. And she loved their baby. It may not have been anything more than a small bump before she’d lost it but it was hers. It was_ theirs _. And she couldn’t pretend to be okay, because she wasn’t. Nothing was okay._

_Two arms slid around her from behind and a beard scratched at the side of her face as a pair of lips brushed across her temple. Her chest heaved as the sobbing got worse and Skye turned, burying her face in Trip’s neck as he held her closer._

_“I’m sorry, Skye.”_

_She nodded, unable to speak, and cried harder. She hadn’t been able to tell anyone else. How could she? They wouldn’t understand. They all hated him. And while it was with good reason, their pitying looks were too much to deal with before; she wasn’t sure she could handle them now._

Poor Skye in love with traitor.

Poor Skye fell for the murderer.

Poor Skye.

_She was sick of it all. She didn’t need even more pity. Not now. Not when she could barely keep it together._

_So she’d kept it to herself, not sure how to tell anyone she’d let Ward seduce her, let alone get her pregnant. And she didn’t want to deal with their judgement because no matter what he’d done, it wasn’t their baby’s fault. The baby was innocent and Skye loved it and when she found out she hadn’t been scared or angry or anything else her friends and family would expect her to be. She’d been happy; she_ wanted _this. And if she told them, their reactions would ruin it; and after everything she’d been through Skye needed to hold on to this happiness, just for a little while._

_But leave it to Trip to be the understanding one._

_Skye snuck down to the vaults every night, stood outside his door, and just…_ tried _to find the strength to walk in and forgive him. But she never could. Because the truth was Skye could forgive the lying, the betrayal, hell, even the killing but the thing she couldn’t forgive was that he hadn’t loved her enough to walk away and tell her the truth. She hadn’t been enough for him. And that was what broke her heart._

_And she knew that anger, that sadness…the sound that left her small body wasn’t human but Trip didn’t mind, he just held her closer while she wailed in agony._

_She wasn’t enough for Ward and she wasn’t enough for their baby either; she wasn’t strong enough to save him and she hadn’t been strong enough to keep their baby alive._

_She was a complete and utter failure._

“It really isn’t your fault, you know?”

Skye pressed her lips together and fought off more tears. She did her best to compose herself and glanced over at her best friend, finding even his warm-hearted smile heartbreaking.

“You of all people should know how dangerous I am.”

Trip cocked his head to the side and kept on smiling. “You need to forgive yourself.”

Skye turned away and stared back up at the ceiling. “I can’t. We both know it’s my fault,” she whispered, trying and failing to block out the memories.

_“If you’re planning to stand here all night without going in to yell at him the least you can do it let me know so I can go get a snack.”_

_Skye whipped around in surprise to find Trip leaning against the wall, watching her. She hadn’t even heard him follow her…Was this the first time? Or…How long has he been here?_

_“Trip. I-”_

_“Want to see your boyfriend but you’re still too mad at him?”_

_Skye looked down at her feet, ashamed, and tried to come up with an excuse._

_“Or maybe you want to tell him about the baby but you don’t know how to do it without punching him in the face again?”_

_Her heart stopped for a moment and her entire body went cold. Skye slowly glanced up, meeting his eyes, and her mouth went dry. How did he know?_

_Trip took one step forward and reached for her hand. “It’s okay, Skye. You didn’t know what he was and…Come on, girl, it’s not that baby’s fault her dad’s a Hydra bastard.”_

_Her eyes filled with tears and she took one step forward, trying not to breakdown. She should have known Trip would be the one person she could trust with this. The one person who wouldn’t judge._

_“How did you know?”_

_He shrugged. “You’ve lost too much weight and you don’t talk to anyone anymore. At first I thought you were really depressed but then you would start putting your hand right here,” he whispered, putting a hand on her stomach, “like you were trying to keep something safe before you caught yourself. And you’ve been sneaking down here every night. Why didn’t you just tell someone, Skye? You don’t have to deal with everything alone.”_

_Skye wiped at her eyes angrily. “You and I both know what will happen when I tell everyone. Jemma will get all judgy and she’ll be overbearing because it’s who she is but she’ll still look at me like I’m carrying some demon spawn. And my mother will be so disappointed and my dad will…he’ll try to be there and fake he’s happy but he’ll just be sad.”_

_“What about me?” Trip whispered and she realized he was hurt. She’d lied to him and…God, she was no better than Ward, was she?_

_“I didn’t want you to have to lie for me,” Skye whispered, unable to fight the tears anymore._

_“Dammit, Skye,” Trip whispered, pulling her into a hug. She sobbed into his chest for what felt like hours but Trip didn’t say a damn word, not until she finally found the strength to pull away and wipe her eyes._

_“You ready to go see him?”_

_Skye stared back at the door for a long moment before shaking her head._

_Trip nodded and took her by the shoulder and led her towards the staircase. “We’ll try again tomorrow night.” Skye smiled and leaned into him, grateful to have one person on her side. “Now, tell me all about my niece, will you?”_

Skye would have never gotten through that time without him. He’d been her rock, the one person she could confide in. And when she’d lost everything, again, he’d been there to help her pick up the pieces.

_“It’s my fault.” Skye whispered, staring behind Trip at a spot on the wall, doing her best to focus on it instead of the pain in her chest._

_“Don’t be…it’s no one’s fault, Skye. These things just happen.”_

_It was her fault. Her body hadn’t been able to handle a pregnancy. She’d been too depressed. She hadn’t been enough. Trip couldn’t see that because he could only see the good in people. She knew the truth; she’d failed._

_“I need to tell him,” she whispered, not wanting to hurt him but…Okay, maybe she did…a little. The way he’d hurt her. But not like this._ Never _like this._

_“Are you saying-”_

_“I need to see him.” She was ready. She…he was a part of what she’d lost. She needed to see him and hold him and forgive him. She couldn’t keep hating him, not when what she’d done was so much worse._

_Trip didn’t argue or say a word. He simply helped Skye to her feet and down to the vaults. She could feel the eyes on her, everyone knew now. Most of the base had been witness to her loss and while she knew she had to talk to her parents about everything, it wasn’t going to happen tonight._

_“I can come in with you if you’d-”_

_Skye shook her head and handed over the tablet to him the moment the light over the door went green. “Lock it when I’m inside. Don’t let anyone else in.”_

_He stared down at the controls in surprise. “Skye, are you sure about this?”_

_Skye met his eyes and nodded. “He won’t hurt me.”_

_She’d watched him on the feeds every night. She knew he called her name in his sleep. Knew he did nothing but ask for her. Knew who he really was, deep down. He wasn’t a monster, not really. He’d done some bad things, yes, but she also knew he loved her. She wasn’t afraid of him but for him. This would destroy him but she couldn’t keep this from him; she couldn’t do what he’d done. She had to tell him the truth._

_Poor Ward hadn’t even noticed the wall was down. Skye stood on the bottom step and watched him sit at the edge of his cot, head in his hands, sobbing._

_This wasn’t a monster. Monsters didn’t feel remorse. They gloated, like the other bastards they’d handed over to US government. He was the only one left. The only one her dad felt was worth saving. The one who hadn’t really been loyal to Hydra, just misguided by a real monster._

_Maybe Skye couldn’t understand desperately wanting a father figure, but she could see why someone would fall for John’s act. Because Ward wasn’t as lucky as she was, he didn’t have someone like Phil Coulson for a father, and she couldn’t fault him for wanting to find that._

_She knew she sounded like an idiot girl too blinded by love but she believed in him. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t. She just didn’t know where to begin._

_She took three steps towards him and he seemed to sense her presence because he looked up quickly and when he set eyes on her…Skye had to choke back a sob. There wasn’t a person alive who could deny this man loved her. It was written all over his face._

_“Sweetheart?”_

_Skye approached him slowly and nodded, wishing she’d come sooner. Why hadn’t she come sooner?_

_“Yes,” she whispered. She reached a hand out to touch his cheek and blinked away tears. “It’s me.”_

_Grant fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around her middle and began to sob loudly. Skye sniffled, fighting her own sobbing fit, and held him against her body._

_“It’s okay, I’m here now,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair._

_“I’m sorry,” he cried, breaking her._

_“I’m sorry, too,” Skye sobbed, moving to the floor and wrapping her arms around his neck._

_She felt eyes on her and turned to find Trip watching over them. She gave him a nod, appreciating his overprotective big brother act but she didn’t need him here; she was safest here. Grant would never let anything happen to her._

_Trip set the tablet down and gave her a nod before disappearing up the stairs. Skye watched him go then turned her attentions back to the mess in her arms. She knew she had to tell him, especially if he ever got out of here, there would be no way to spare him that pain, but she could wait a few more minutes before she destroyed what little he had left._

_“I’m so sorry, Grant.”_

“It’s no one’s fault, Skye.”

Skye ignored Trip.

“You’re not really here.”

“Sure I am. In _there_.”

She was sure this figment of her imagination was pointing to her heart but she ignored him. When she turned her head he was gone and she closed her eyes, trying not to cry.

Trip had always been there for her and how had she repaid him? By getting him killed. She couldn’t keep a child alive and she did nothing but hurt the people she loved. She’d been so worried about Grant following her down to that city after she’d made the stupid decision to sacrifice herself she’d shot him. And she’d forgotten to make sure Trip, sweet, overprotective Trip, hadn’t tried to play hero too. He’d died trying to protect her, like he always did, and she couldn’t forgive herself for that.

Or for the people she’d killed during her transformation. The agents and civilians…

Her best friend was dead and she’d killed him, just like she’d killed…

Skye covered her mouth to hold back a loud sob. She didn’t need anyone coming in here to comfort her. She didn’t deserve it. She deserved to be in pain. She’d ruined everything with her stupid powers.

No, even before that.

She wasn’t meant to be anyone’s mother. To be happy. She couldn’t risk hurting anyone else. Especially not Grant. He’d been through enough because of her.

_“We’ll have a baby someday, Skye. I promise.”_

_Skye couldn’t bear to look at him. She knew if she saw his red eyes or the hurt there…How could he be here for her? Something was wrong with her. She was broken. He deserved someone who could give him a family. Not someone who couldn’t even keep a baby safe._

_“I can’t do this again,” Skye whispered, knowing it would hurt him but maybe it was best. He could leave her and move on to someone better._

_She could feel his sadness but it didn’t stop him from leaning over to kiss her forehead and wrap his arms around her. “Okay, Skye. We’ll be fine. We don’t need to…it can be just us.”_

_Skye pulled away from him angrily and pressed her knees to her chest, sobbing into them. “Go! Just leave! I don’t want you here.” He loved her too much. She didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve to give up what he wanted because she couldn’t give it to him._

_“Sweetheart, I’m never going anywhere.”_

_Grant wrapped both arms around her and held her tight while she cried._

_“I…” she hiccupped and wiped at her eyes, still crying. “I thought this time…what did I do wrong?”_

_Grant stared back at her sadly and shook his head. He wiped at her cheeks and kissed them before taking her hands. “It’s nothing you did, Skye. Sometimes…I don’t know why this happens and it’s not anyone’s fault. I know you think it is because it’s happened before but maybe it’s just not time. Maybe she’s not ready to be born yet.”_

_He sounded like her grandmother. And while she would like to think they’d finally have their baby someday…Skye couldn’t handle another miscarriage. The first had been hard enough. She wasn’t sure she could survive it this time, let alone again. And again. Until they got it right._

_But she wasn’t strong enough to fight about this right now. Once she felt better…she wasn’t going to let him make more sacrifices for her._

_“Okay, Grant,” she whispered, leaning into him. She knew he needed to take care of her and she couldn’t take care of herself. It was too hard. And maybe…there were other ways to have a baby? They could adopt. She didn’t have to go through this again and they could still have a family._

_Skye reached up to cup his cheek and pressed a kiss to his mouth, feeling a bit better. “You’re right.”_

_He kissed her nose with a small smile. “I know I am.”_

_“But I’m still going to be sad about this,” she warned, knowing she would never get over this._

_“Me too, sweetheart.”_

Skye had never gotten over it, not even when she was pregnant with Ellie. She’d shoved the pain down as far as she could, not wanting their little girl to grow up in the shadow of two dead babies. But now? She was in mourning for all three of them and for Trip. Skye had pushed away her feelings for too long and now she couldn’t do it anymore.

Yes, she’d blamed herself. And yes, it was her fault. And she knew Grant had shoved his own feelings away too but hearing him finally admit it? That he blamed her? It brought it all back and she couldn’t control the pain anymore.

She didn’t want to do this anymore. She wanted to be with them. And…she wiped her eyes and buried her face in her pillow, sobbing. She couldn’t put him through this. He’d been through enough. And he needed time to see if he loved her enough to forgive her. Because one of them had to and she knew she could never forgive herself.

“You know, as cute as I find your inability to control your emotions, Tremors, I don’t think the neighbors need the quakes happening every hour.”

Skye frowned and stared down at the bruises on her arms. She slid her sleeves down before Mack could catch sight of them and painfully fought her powers even more than she had been.

“Sorry,” she whispered, knowing she had to do better. Her emotions were all over the place, she had no control. The only thing she could do was keep the vibrations contained, no matter the pain they caused.

And she deserved to suffer, it was only fitting.

“I ordered pizza. Why don’t you get that tiny ass out of bed and come eat?”

Skye kept her back to him and shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Come on, kid, he isn’t worth this.”

And this was why she hadn’t wanted to speak to him. She loved Mack and she appreciated what a good friend he was but he had never been shy about sharing how he felt about her husband. He would always be the traitor to Mack and Skye was not in the mood. Until Ellie’s death Grant had been the best husband and he was a good father and he had more than earned forgiveness. Mack needed to let go already.

“Go away, Mack. I’m tired,” she whispered, knowing she should take something to sleep. It wouldn’t do her any good but it would spare her having to deal with everyone trying to help her. She didn’t deserve their concern. She was more worried about Grant. Was he eating? Had anyone looked in on him? Was he off doing something stupid and dangerous to cope with her leaving?

Her pillow was wet now but she didn’t move. She wanted to be alone and if Mack caught her crying he wouldn’t leave her.

“Fine, but at least let Lincoln in? Baby Doc’s got his little med bag and everything. It’s kind of pathetic.”

A week ago Skye would have laughed but today?

“He’s not even a real doctor.”

“Okay, how about Jemma? She’s a real doctor and she keeps talking my ear off about how you need to get a sufficient amount of nutrition and sun and stimulation in your muscles or something. I don’t know, I stop listening once she starts rambling.”

Even this didn’t make her smile.

“I just want to be alone, Mackenzie.”

Mack sighed and sat on the edge of her bed.

“Do you want me to call him? I hate the guy but if you’re this miserable…”

“Go away, Mack,” Skye whispered, surprised she still had tears left to cry.

“Mack, give me a few minutes with my daughter.”

Oh great, the one person she couldn’t ignore.

Skye wiped at her eyes and fought the wave of nausea that hit when she smelled the pizza her mother had carried in. Skye was starving but she knew if she ate she wouldn’t keep it down. And if she started puking her powers would come rushing out and the East Coast didn’t need a catastrophic earthquake event.

Her mother set the plate down and climbed into bed with Skye. She didn’t say a word, she just wrapped her arms around Skye and kissed her temple.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Skye muttered defensively.

“Good,” her mother whispered, “because I need a fucking nap.”

Skye smiled for the first time since arriving. “Thanks, mom.”

Melinda kissed her again and held her closer. “Anytime, baby girl.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_Grant ran one hand through Skye’s curls and watched her sleep. Once he was sure she would not wake he pressed his lips to her forehead and slipped out of bed. Skye hadn’t slept since the hospital. She needed her rest and he needed…it was incredibly selfish but he needed a break._

_He knew she thought he was the strong one. That he was the one who kept her safe but she was so wrong. She was the one who kept them together, she was the strongest person he knew, and all he knew how to do was throw a punch._

_Grant felt…how was it he could protect strangers from aliens and bad guys and all that shit but he couldn’t keep her or their baby safe? He knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault but he still felt guilty. Because Skye was in more pain than he’d ever seen her in and all he could do was hold her and remind her it wasn’t her fault and he felt useless._

_He was useless._

_He hadn’t been there for her when she’d lost the first baby, because he’d been stupid enough to blindly follow John, and now?_

_How did people survive this?_

_Grant went right for the gym in the garage, not wanting to wake Skye or her parents. And he needed to hit something. None of this was fair. Sure, maybe he deserved this, maybe this was karma coming back to get him but Skye? She didn’t deserve to go through this. She was the best person he knew. She was kind and compassionate and forgiving and her only sin had been falling in love with someone like him._

_It wasn’t fair that things like this happened, especially not to people like Skye._

_And especially not to their sweet, innocent, unborn child._

_Grant didn’t realize he was crying until his hit the punching bag so hard it broke off the ceiling. He fell to the floor and buried his face in his knees, getting out everything he’d held in so he could take care of Skye._

_He didn’t deserve to be the one in pain. She was the one who had lost something. She was the one who had a connection with it. All he’d done was help make it._

_How could losing something you never had hurt so much?_

_“Hurting yourself won’t make the pain go away.”_

_He glanced up to find May approaching him. She knelt down and took his hands in hers and for the first time he saw his bloody knuckles. That wasn’t good, Skye would see these and focus on taking care of him. He didn’t want that, he wanted to be the one to take care of her for once._

_“What will?” Grant asked, meeting his mother-in-law’s eyes. He wasn’t usually this open with anyone but Skye but…he needed to get his own pain under control so he could be there for his wife._

_Melinda unwrapped his bandages and helped him to his feet. She led him to the first aid kit and once his hands were cleaned and wrapped she looked up at him sadly. “Nothing,” she finally answered. “You just learn to live with it.”_

And he had learned to live with it. They both had. They’d found a way to be happy again, they’d gotten married, bought a house, and moved on. And Grant knew, they could have been happy that way. They were happy that way.

And then…

There were some things you couldn’t live with, no matter how hard you tried.

_“Skye, why in the hell is there a bed in my office?”_

_Sure, maybe he never used the damn thing but now he had a mountain of paperwork he’d brought home to work on because he missed his wife and he couldn’t stand to be holed up in the office he shared with Bobbi. Not because of Bobbi, no, Bobbi was a damn fine officemate, it was because Hunter never left them alone. He was a needy husband and friend and Grant could not get a damn thing done with those two bickering all the time._

_Skye appeared in the doorway with a mischievous smile. “Because you haven’t used your office in three years, Grant.”_

_“Well…I was going to use it today,” he whined._

_She shook her head and pointed to the desk in the corner. “You can still work from home if you want to and now our guests won’t be cramped into the smallest room in the house.”_

_He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “What did you do with the guest room we already have?” He could only imagine what his wife had been up to while he’d been away. Every time he went on a long mission he’d come home to find a new paint color on the walls or new curtains or a new kitchen! Skye wasn’t capable of sitting still. Even with work, without him around to wear out with sex she got bored and her boredom usually led to remodeling._

_Skye took his hand with a smile and led him down the hall while he imagined all of the ridiculous things she could have done with the room._

_“I swear, Skye, it better not be that red room we joked about…” He enjoyed spicing up their sex life but not that much._

_Skye rolled her eyes and pressed her back to the door, still beaming. “No, but you could call it a pink room, I guess.”_

_“Skye-”_

_Before he could complain she opened the door with a squeal and led him inside. Grant followed her and glanced around in confusion._

_It was certainly…pink._

_And…_

_“Skye?” He whispered, close to tears. “What?” The walls were painted a light pink with princess wall decorations and a crib in the corner. He stared down at his wife and nearly lost his balance. “Skye, are you-”_

_Skye nodded and he pulled her into a bone crushing hug, sobbing into her neck._

_“Grant, I can’t breathe,” Skye mumbled, squirming in his arms._

_He let her go quickly and looked her over, panicked. “Did I hurt you? Is she okay? Wait…it’s a she?”_

_Skye shrugged and wrapped her arms around his neck with a huge smile. “We won’t know for two more weeks but it feels like a girl.”_

_Grant cupped her cheeks and pressed a kiss to her lips, still crying. “When did you find out?”_

_“The day after you left for Afghanistan.”_

_“Skye! That was weeks ago.”_

_She shrugged and pulled him closer. “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone and…” her smile faltered for a second but only because she was close to crying again. “Grant…I’m sixteen weeks along, do you know what that means?”_

_She had never made it past the first trimester before. He didn’t want to get his hopes up but it was hard to when Skye was so happy._

_He pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her curls, crying. “I love you so much, Skye.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“We’re going to have a baby?”_

_Skye pulled away and touched his cheek gently with a nod. “She’s not going anywhere this time, Grant.”_

_Grant scooped Skye up into his arms and carried her to bed to celebrate._

He should have known better than to get his hopes up. He didn’t deserve a family or to be happy. He’d never been good enough for Skye and nature seemed to think so too.

Skye had always blamed herself for their inability to be parents, because it was her body, but he knew the truth. He was being punished for his sins and she was paying the price for loving him.

Ellie’s death wasn’t Skye’s fault. It was his. He’d done this. And he’d been stupid enough to blame her all of this time and now…

He stood outside her parent’s house, knowing she wouldn’t see him and knowing he needed to give her space but he also needed to be near her. Maybe it would be better to let her go, so she could be happy, but he knew she wouldn’t do that. She’d choose to be alone, because she loved him too much, and they would both be miserable.

Grant had forgiven her. He knew she wasn’t to blame. He loved her. He just needed to figure out how to make her see that.

He watched the light in her window go out and he rubbed at his chest, feeling the loss of her.

This was his fault and it was up to him to fix this.

And while he wasn’t sure how he knew giving her the time she needed was the first step. So he stared up at her window for a moment longer and then walked away.

He understood how hard it had been for her all of this time and he hated himself more for the way he’d treated her over the past year.

_“You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Ward! She needs you!”_

_He could hear Skye’s wailing from the other room but he couldn’t force himself to do this. He…it hurt too much and he couldn’t be near her, not yet. He’d tried, he really had but…every time he looked at Skye he saw their daughter’s face and he couldn’t bear to be near her._

_“I…can’t,” he whispered, broken._

_The last time he’d seen Skye the nurses had…_

_He leaned against the wall and shook his head, fighting off the images._

_“I can’t go back into that room, Phil.”_

_Coulson clapped him on the shoulder and made Grant look at him before speaking. “That pain you’re feeling? It’s a million times worse for her. She needs you, Grant. She cannot do this alone. Neither of you can. I know it hurts, but…Ellie needs the two of you to be there for each other. Don’t let this tear you apart, don’t let her life be for nothing. You two made her out of love, don’t let her…” Now Phil was having a hard time keeping his composure. “This is no one’s fault, Grant. There was nothing either of you could have done. Don’t let this destroy you. You are all Skye has left of her and she’s all you have left._

_I know nothing will make this better but if you aren’t there for each other you will make it worse.”_

_Grant wiped at his eyes angrily. “I don’t know how to be there for her, Coulson. She…every time I look at her…she didn’t even let me hold her.”_

_He’d had to watch as they literally pried their daughter from Skye’s arms. She hadn’t let anyone touch her, not even him. He hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye._

_“I’ll talk to the funeral home…you can hold her for as long as you want, Grant.”_

_That calmed him down, a little._

_“I know it’s not fair but…how did that placenta bag get loose, Phil? You weren’t there, as soon as she went into labor, the quakes-”_

_“Don’t. She blames herself enough. She doesn’t need you blaming her too.”_

_“But I’m not sure I don’t,” Grant admitted, knowing it was terrible of him. “And I don’t know how to be there for her this time, not when…I can’t help but wonder if it was her fault.”_

_He regretted saying it out loud but this had to be because of her powers, right?_

_“Grant…Skye’s powers did nothing to harm the baby the entire time she was pregnant. I know you don’t want to hear this but this happens. It’s horrible and sad but it’s no one’s fault.”_

_He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “I still don’t know how to do this. It’s not the same as last time.”_

_“Do you love her?”_

_Grant scoffed. “Of course I do.”_

_“Then focus on that. The rest will follow. You won’t get through this alone, Grant. Lean on each other. It won’t fix anything but it will be better than pushing each other away.”_

He’d told himself that he’d tried but looking back…he hadn’t tried hard enough. He’d been there but not completely. He didn’t blame her but he was cruel when he didn’t need to be. He’d shut her out without meaning to. And Skye…he hadn’t noticed because it happened so slowly but eventually she stopped trying to do it all on her own and she’d given into his cruelty.

He’d focused so much on his own pain he’d forgotten to take care of her.

Grant was surprised she hadn’t broken sooner.

_“I never said this was your fault!”_

_Skye threw a shoe in his direction and he ducked out of the way but it didn’t stop his blood from boiling._

_“You don’t have to. Your actions speak a lot louder than your words do, Ward.”_

_“Oh, we’re back to ‘Ward’, now?”_

_Skye continued to angrily shove his things into a duffle bag and he sighed in annoyance._

_“I don’t blame you,” he lied and she saw right through him._

_Skye threw the bag into the hallway with the rest of his things and began dragging the bags across the wood floors, towards the guest room._

_“Is this really necessary?”_

_Skye stood with a huff, face and eyes red, and a wild, angry look in her eyes._

_“I forgave you for everything and you can’t even find it in you to be kind to me. We lost a baby, Grant. Not just you,_ we _. And I can’t stand to keep living with you punishing me. I do it enough for the both of us.”_

_He scoffed. Right, she was bringing up his sins again. “Maybe I should blame myself instead? Maybe this is karma.”_

_Skye stared him dead in the eyes, defeated. “Maybe it is. Maybe no child deserves to have you for a father.”_

Grant knew now that was the day she broke.

“I’m sorry, baby. I failed your mom, but I promise, I won’t do it again,” Grant whispered at the only picture they had of her.

He finally understood what Coulson had tried to tell him. He couldn’t let Ellie’s death be for nothing.

She’d been made in love and he couldn’t let her death be the thing that destroyed them. He needed to get her mother back. He needed to fix this.

Grant leaned back, holding the toy rabbit to his chest and rocked in the chair they never got to use.

“Don’t give up on me,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure if he bought into Lian’s nonsense about reincarnation but he wanted to. He wanted to believe they’d get their baby back someday.

He needed to believe it because getting her mother back was going to be hell and he needed something to keep him from giving up on himself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_“Someone needs to talk to him,” Jemma whispered, watching Grant with worry._

_Skye didn’t look. She couldn’t look. He hadn’t left Ellie’s side since they’d arrived and…Skye clutched her mother’s hands, fighting off the tears. She couldn’t bear to see that little face. They’d pried her from Skye’s arms and Skye knew if she saw her she would never let her go again._

_“You’re a monster,” he whispered and Skye knew he was speaking to her._

_“Don’t,” Melinda warned and Skye shook her head._

_“Let him.” He needed someone to be angry at today and she was fine with it being her. She could handle it. There was nothing she couldn’t handle. Holding your dead child was the worst thing any person could ever experience. Dealing with her angry husband was a walk in the park compared to that._

_“I’m not going to let them take you from me,” he whispered, still holding the small bundle in his arms._

_Her father appeared, blocking Skye’s view. “Grant, it’s time.”_

_“No! They’re not putting her in the ground!”_

Skye never asked how they managed to pry her from Grant’s arms and put her in the casket because despite her attempts to be strong she’d fled the room, unable to handle his breakdown. She’d had her own and she couldn’t do it again, not in front of all of those people.

She’d simply sat with her mother, not listening to a damn thing anyone said to her that day, in a near comatose state the entire day. Until she’d returned to the cemetery and broken down at her grave, alone, because Grant had been nowhere to be found once they’d taken her away.

“You need to forgive yourself, Skye. Grant has.”

Skye shook her head sadly.

“No, he hasn’t. He can’t.”

“Skye,” her mother whispered, kissing her temple. “The only person who can’t forgive you is you.

“What would you do if it was me?” Skye whispered, staring up at the ceiling.

Her mother hesitated for a moment. “What?”

“If someone took me from you. If someone caused my death. What would you do?”

Her mother didn’t answer and Skye turned onto her side and clutched her pillow.

“That’s what I thought. Now, tell me again how it’s possible for him to forgive me?”

It wasn’t. And she was stupid to ever think he could.


End file.
